作文修改范例(页 1) - 澳大利亚雅思 - 雅思写作 -

作文修改范例

作文修改范例
Question: News editors decide what to broadcast on television and what to print in newspapers. What factors do you think influence these decisions? Do we become used to bad news? Would it be better if more good news was reported?

Answer:
Nowadays the contents on TV and in newspapers are decided by news editors. In my essay, I would like to discuss the contributing factors to these decisions, whether we become used to bad news, and whether it is better if we received more good news.

First of all, as far as I am concerned, it is a common intention of news editors that any thing reported in TV or news papers must be something attractive to the public, simply because such things sell the best. Therefore we can easily figure out that things exciting, amazing, uncommon, even overwhelming will be the news editors’ first choice.
第一句参考：First of all, the common intention of news editors, in my point of view, is to make everything reported be something attractive to the public. And this contributes greatly to those editors’ decision making.

Secondly, honestly I’m not quite sure whether we become used to bad news. Although people frequently view bad news in media, many viewers tend to ignore this kind of information. Moreover, some bad news, such as the regional wars, is still the hot topic among people, whilst other bad news, such as plane crashes and natural disasters, etc., can’t catch our attention. 作者先说“not sure”紧接着下一句，“很多人倾向于忽略这些坏消息”，多少有些前后矛盾。第一句建议改为：Secondly, though people are frequently exposed to bad news, many of them tend to ignore most of the bad news except some hot ones concerning regional wars.

Lastly, to the issue whether it is better if we received more good news, I believe the answer is that we are benefited from the true stories more, no matter if they are good or bad. To support this argument, I would like to state: firstly, people will not书面语中尽量不缩写 be more positive if they receive more good news nor be the other way around if they receive more bad ones. Next, I doubt the truth of a piece of news if it doesn’t merely represent the original story, but has to carry the editors’ personal intention. Last but not least, we need the media to tell us exactly what is happening in the world without any subjective inclination.
In a word, media should present us the world as the way it is.

① 文章的每句话都是在回答文章开头给出的写作要求中的问题，这样做有好处就是绝对不会离题； 但是也会造成一种缺陷，
② 大作文是一篇议论文，议论文就要有论点，论据和论证，这三点缺一不可。本文中似乎缺少事实论据，论据不用太多两个至三个就可以了，太多时间不够用，考试时的字数要求也只是250,
③ 文章结尾处可得出结论，可以是和上文所述相符合的主观结论，本文结尾处的写作思路很好，但是整体文章给人的感觉就是很僵硬的回答文章给出的问题
④ 关于事实例证：如，说明“编辑们为了报纸或杂志有好的销售量，为了迎合读者，他们写得东西可能就有失客观性”，针对这个可举现实生活中简单的事例。